One minute past curfew….. and my phone rings. It’s who I figured it was… my mom. Annoyed I answer, “Mom I am literally 5 minutes from the house.” As I walk into her room (the daily routine when I came home at night… which by the way was 11:30…. early if you asked my 16 year old self), I always found her laying in bed with one eye open. Eagerly waiting on her baby girl to make it safely home. She needed to know I was okay, so she could breath again.
I was always annoyed with that one eye that just couldn’t close. Why can’t the woman just sleep? Maybe I could sneak in a few more minutes with my friends without her knowing. Nope…. never her.
Now I get it. The feeling if you let both your eyes doze off… that something horrible could happen. The fact you would blame yourself for not knowing. That you would be sleeping peacefully when your baby girl could be in danger.
I never understood before, but now I get the worry. I get the tears. I get why I couldn’t stay out past midnight. I get the no’s and the punishments. The feeling you feel when you thought you weren’t good enough for your kids. I get the feeling of blame.
Mom ….. I get it.
As a new mom now, I realize how much responsibility moms have. How much we carry on our shoulders. The feeling we have when we feel like we have failed as a mom. The thought that it is our fault when our children make wrong choices. Our anxiety when we feel like everyone around us is judging our parenting skills. The “what ifs” when we feel like we didn’t prepare our kids enough for the real world. The blame we feel when our children do not feel whole or the pain our heart feels when they are physically or emotionally hurt. We blame ourselves.
To make matters worse…. our kids at some point or another will blame us for their own mishaps. We will get blamed for their spending habits, diet, education, attitudes, cleaning habits, and the decisions they make. It just seems easier to blame the mom. In a weird way it all makes sense. We tend to blame the person who we are closest to. The one who we know will love us regardless. No one wants to admit to their own faults. To bow our heads and say, “It was all me. I was wrong. I solely made the choice.” Instead we blame.
The thing is….. Moms…. it is NOT your fault.
As moms, we have a huge responsibility of raising our children. Molding their little minds and teaching them right from wrong. We want to protect them from broken hearts, and the dangers of the world, but all we can do is our best. Our best to teach them before they discover the world on their own.
We cannot be responsible for their actions when they leave us nor can we control the world. We can’t control our child’s mouth, limbs, or heart when they are on their own. We prepare them the best we can, but even then we will NEVER be perfect. We are human….sinners just like they are. We have to give it to God and trust our kids to do what is right.
We will make mistakes and at times we will teach our kids the wrong things.
We will forget to teach them how to save money or tithe every week.
We will overreact and even punish them when maybe we shouldn’t.
They will see our good, our bad, and our ugly…they will never understand the bad and ugly.
We will push them to be someone they aren’t at times.
We will assume we know best and at times be proven wrong.
We will see their backtalk as nothing more then rebellion when maybe they just had a horrible day.
We will mess up and that is okay.
The thing is….. as much as we want to fill our kid’s hearts and be all they need…. we won’t be. Only God himself can be enough. He will be the only one our kids can truly count on. The one who will help them fight their way through life.
We live in a world full of sin….. temptation…. and hate. Our kids need to know Him in order to make it through. That is one thing we can strive to not mess up (even though we will always fall short). To pray whole heartedly for their present and their future. To teach our kids the best we can and trust they will do what is right. If they fall (just like we do), we pick them up and help them find their way back. Then we quickly fall to our knees and pray.
Deuteronomy 6:6-9 These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. 7Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. 9Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.
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